How's It Going To Be
by kclandestineheart
Summary: Amanda sees Spencer for the first time since they broke up a year ago. Will they be able to move on?
1. Chapter 1

**"How's It Going To Be" by Third Eye Blind**

I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore  
Before you take a swing  
I wonder what are we fighting for  
When I say out loud  
I want to get out of this  
I wonder is there anything  
I'm going to miss  
I wonder how it's going to be  
When you don't know me  
How's it going to be  
When you're sure I'm not there  
How's it going to be  
When there's no one there to talk to  
Between you and me  
Cause I don't care  
How's it going to be, How's it going to be  
Where we used to laugh  
There's a shouting match  
Sharp as a thumbnail scratch  
A silence I can't ignore  
Like the hammock by the  
Doorway we spent time in, swings empty  
Don't see lightning like last fall  
When it was always about to hit me  
I wonder how's it going to be  
When it goes down  
How's it going to be  
When you're not around  
How's it going to be  
When you found out there was nothing  
Between you and me  
Cause I don't care  
How's it going to be  
And how's it going to be  
When you don't know me anymore  
And how's it going to be  
Want to get myself back in again  
The soft dive of oblivion  
I want to taste the salt of your skin  
The soft dive of oblivion oblivion  
How's it going to be  
When you don't know me anymore  
How's it going to be, How's it going to be  
How's it going to be

Here I sit alone, in my room unable to sleep. I thought I had gotten over him. It's been a year now and after 6 months of feeling better I saw him. I know he saw me too because he gave me a small, polite smile. I know that smile, it's his uncomfortable smile. He used to give me that smile after a fight, after our final fight too. It was also his peace offering and it did nothing to provide me peace tonight.

I pick up my glass of pinot noir and down it in one difficult gulp. I'm on my 5th glass in the past hour. I hoped that the buzz from the wine would help me sleep, but all it did was make this aching feeling worse. My stomach is in knots, just like the night we broke up. I get up and sit on the window sill and look out over the DC skyline, the capital building lit up in the distance. Everywhere I look I am reminded of him. I regret how I handled things with him. I knew what his job was, I knew that he would inevitably cancel plans and leave at a moments notice for an undetermined amount of time. I was younger then, not much, but a lot can change in a year. Especially in a year that involves losing Spencer Reid. The 9 month we were together were the best 9 months of my entire life. Granted, things started off so slowly and awkwardly, but I have never felt that way about anyone before.

I have gone on a few dates since then and I have no interest in anyone else. I haven't even kissed another man since Spencer. If I had realized then what I had, none of this would be happening. My heart would not be breaking all over again, I wouldn't have these sleepless nights, I wouldn't have this aching, all-consuming feeling. I wish I had thought about how it was going to be without Spencer before I said those words 'it's over'.

* * *

My eyes fluttered open to see the sun shining brightly into my face. I fell asleep on the window sill. My neck is killing me! I rub my stiff neck and stretch out. I don't remember falling asleep, but I do remember the last time I glanced at the clock was at 4:38 am. I glance at the clock now and it reads 7:43 am. Yay, three hours of sleep. Just what I needed. I stand up from the window and go into my bathroom to shower.

The hot water wakes me up luckily, but I know it will be short lived. I decided to get coffee on the way to the Bureau. I really hope I don't run into Spencer again today, it was such a rare thing to see him yesterday. That's the last time I offer to make a in person delivery to Penelope Garcia. Working for HR, I sometimes have to get her to run background checks and for some reason my email was not working and my cell phone had died. Spence just waltzed right into her office as I was leaving, almost bumping into me. We said nothing, just exchanged small, timid smiles.

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	2. Chapter 2

I sat down at my desk and turned on the computer. I had to finish with the personel files by getting the information back from Garcia. The Bureau was hiring a few more agents for a special crimes unit and the director wanted to have the background files ready to go for his interviews. Being the dummy that I am, I decided to go see Garcia personally, instead of sending my assistant up there. I had dressed myself nice today, just in case Spencer saw me. I was wearing a dark grey pencil skirt, purple heels, and a dark blue blouse. I put some curls in my long hair too. I remember how Spence use to tell me how much he loved my blonde hair curly.

I grab my coffee and head towards the elevator, pushing the call button. I suddenly feel eyes on my back and I turn around and meet those eyes. Spencer is standing behind me, waiting for the elevator. My breath hitches in my throat and I swallow hard. Why did I do this to myself? I'll never stop thinking about him if I start going out of my way to run into him.

"Morning Mandy," he says to me with a warm smile. His hair looks dishelved, his clothes slightly wrinkled.

"Morning Spence," I say with a smile. He's the only person that calls me Mandy, everyone else calls me Amanda. It warms my heart and it takes all my strength to not jump into his arms and kiss him. Guess I'm nowhere near being over him. The elevator opens and we walk in with two other people. The other get off on the next floor and the doors close, leaving us alone. I haven't been alone with him in about a year and my heart is pounding through my chest.

"You look nice," he says awkwardly, shaken by my presence.

"Thanks Spence. You look your usual handsome self too," I say and blush. Ugh, this is embarassing. It obviously is for him too because I notice him blush out of the corner of my eye.

"Thanks," he murmurs and the doors open on his floor. "After you," he says and I walk out of the elevator.

"Good to see you again," I say and walk swiftly to Garcia's office, flushed with emotion. I feel his eyes on my back as I disappear into her office.

"Oh morning love," Garcia says as she wheels her chair around to see who's heels were clicking in the hallway.

"Morning," I say back and slouch down in a chair in her office.

"See Reid?" She asks me and I nod. "Talk to him?" I nod again. "I thought you were over him?"

"Yeah, me too. Apparently not. I never let myself think about him, so I guess I just didn't realize. I couldn't sleep last night because of it."

"Oh Amanda, talk to him. He was acting al flustered yesterday after you left my office. I'm pretty sure he's feeling the same way. He hasn't even dated anyone."

"Well he's shy, so it doesn't surprise me." I honestly believe his lack of dating is not due to his feelings for me. I keep forcing myself to go on dates, then regret it halfway through them.

"I don't think that's why. There was a girl who attempted to pursue him," she says, rolling around to grab some files on her desk. "I think it had something to do with you."

"Yeah right," I say in disbelief. I'm not that lucky. I take the files that she hands to me.

"Come by later and we can talk. The team has a case and they are flying out in 30 minutes, so I gotta get to work."

"Bye Garcia," I say and leave. I glance into the bullpen while waiting for the elevator and spot Spencer at his desk, gathering his things. This right here was a huge factor on why we broke up. Leaving at a moments notice on any day of the year at any time. And to make matters worse, he wasn't much of a phone person. I mean, I understand that during the day he never has time to call, but at least a 20 minute conversation before bed would have been better than nothing. Oh well, I'll just have to get over him, again.

* * *

Garcia had invited me to the girls night out that she and JJ had planned. The team was due to arrive back this afternoon, so they were going out tonight. It was a rough case and the Bureau was giving the team 3 days off to recover mentally and physically. We were meeting at Garcia's before heading to the bar. I put on a white cocktail dress with my deep purple heels and straightened my hair. Garcia told me I had to dress up or she would kill me. I honestly didn't feel like dressing up, but I don't feel like dying before 30.

I arrived at Garcia's and knocked on the door. I heard voices on the other side but didn't think much of it. Within 15 seconds the quirky blonde opened her front door.

"Amanda! Yay you're here! Come get a drink!" She said and I spotted Morgan, JJ and Spencer in the background at her kitchen table, all with drinks in hand.

"I thought this was a girls night?" I said in a hushed, angry voice.

"It was until Morgan and Reid invited themselves. Well, more Morgan pushing Reid into the plans."

"You planned this didn't you?" I said back in a whishper and saw Spencer look over and our eyes locked. He blushed with a small smile and looked away, taking a big gulp of his drink.

"Well, it was mainly Morgan's idea." She says smiling brightly.

"You told him?" I said a little loud. I tried to act nonchalant because the others starting taking notice.

"Yes because he told me Reid was acting all distracted. Now come in sily girl and take a drink. You need one!" She said and ushered me into the kitchen.

"I want to kill you." I said under my voice and she just laughed at me, handing me a beer.

"Drink up!" She said and walked away. I chugged my beer about halfway down, wiped my mouth, and then made my way to the others.

"Hey guys," I said timidly and they all said hi back.

"It's been too long!" JJ gushed and hugged me. JJ and I got pretty close during the time Spencer and I were dating. She knew him better than anyone, and at times I needed advice on how to approach different things with him, like intimacy.

"I know, we need to hang out more often. If you ever get time," I said back and I truly meant it.

"Hey girl, looking good," Morgan said and hugged me. I had gotten to know him pretty well too. I would occasionally join the team on outing when Spencer and I dated.

"Hey," Spencer said out of obligation and awkwardly gave me a quick hug. Everyone was staring at us, making the situation way too obvious. Spence blushed at all the attention and backed away, taking another big swig of his cocktail.

* * *

The guys had joined us at the bar and JJ left early. Henry was coming down with something, so she was needed at home. Garcia had just gotten up from the table to go dance, leaving Spencer and I alone. We sat in silence for close to 5 minutes, just drinking our drinks and people watching. I was jarred out of my thoughts by Spencer's voice.

"Do you want to get some fresh air?" He asked me. It was pretty loud in here, so I figured the noise was bugging him. I remember how some sensations would bother him.

"Sure," I said and we stood up, walking towards the back patio of the bar. I felt Garcia and Morgan's eyes on us and turned to see them high-fiving. Jerks.

Spence walked over to a bench on the patio and sat down. I sat down next to him and we sat in silence for about another minute before he spoke again.

"I have tomorrow off, um..." he trailed off, biting his lip as if he were unsure of his words. "I was thinking we could um, well, uh, catch up over um, lunch?" he said, nervously stumbling over the words. Wow, Morgan and Garcia told him about my feelings and he feels obligated to act. This sucks.

"Um, sure," I say, unsure of myself. Why am I agreeing? He doesn't really want to go to lunch with me.

"Really?" He says with surprise.

"If you want to," I say back, surprised by his surprise.

"I do," he says, looking down at his hands.

"Me too," I say back and take a drink of my beer. That was completely unexpected.

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	3. Chapter 3

I met Spencer at a little cafe a few blocks from the Bureau around noon. It was a really warm day out, so I put on a royal blue sundress and some flip flops. I also put my hair into a fishtail braid. Another hairstyle that Spence loved. I don't know why I was bothering to make myself all pretty for him, he doesn't want me back.

Spence was sitting at a table outside, doing a crossword with sunglasses on. I walked around the fencing and up to the table.

"Hey," I say with a cheery smile, trying to lighten my own mood.

"Hey Mandy," he says and stands up, giving me a really quick hug. My heart sinks at the quickness of the hug. "Sit," he says, motioning towards the empty chair across from his.

"Thanks," I say and sit down, feeling suddenly awkward. What now? "So um... you wanted to catch up?"

"Uh, yeah, yeah I did, I mean do. It's been awhile, a long while," he says, his voice trailing off.

"Just over a year," I clarify quietly.

"393 days to be exact," he says and I smile. I missed his quirky fact giving more than I realized. "What?" He asks, wondering why I am smiling.

"Nothing, it's just, well, I've missed you," I say blushing, looking down at the menu.

"Me too," he says and the waitress walks up and takes our orders. We sit in silence for a minute, neither knowing where to go with the conversation.

"So how is the team coping now that Prentiss has left?" I ask and that gets Spencer talking. We forget about our admissions and launch into easy conversations with each other, just like we used to. When the check comes, Spencer refuses to let me pay anything at all. He won't even let me cover the tip, like he used to. Right now I don't understand why I left him. We get up from the table and walk to the sidewalk and towards my car.

"If um, well, if I had been around more or made contact with you more often when gone, would you have um... left me?" He says, mumbling most of the sentence, but I was still able to understand his words. He is looking at the ground as we walk.

"No," I say honestly. I felt like we had a long distance relationship, which was killing me. We walk in silence to my car. I stop by the driver's door and pull out my keys.

"Um, let's get lunch again sometime soon," he says to me, making eye contact very briefly before looking away.

"Yeah, bye Spence," I say and lean in to hug him. He willingly hugs me back, but a little tighter than the previous two hugs. I inhale deeply, taking his scent back into my memory. He smells just like he used to, light scent of dial soap and Irish Spring deodorant. He smells heavenly. Spencer pulls away slowly.

"Bye," he says and walks off with his hands in his pocket. I exhale the breath I didn't realize I was holding and climb into my car once he is out of sight.

* * *

I sat in my apartment for the rest of the day thinking about Spencer. Once night came, I was still thinking about him. I couldn't get his question out of my mind. Why would he ask me about if things were different? Does he still have feelings for me too? I was drinking a glass of wine when there was a knock on the door. It's just after midnight, who could it be? I'm not expecting company. I set my glass down on the kitchen counter and go to the door, looking through the peephole. It's Spence! I check my appearance in the mirror by my front door, take a deep breath, and open the door. Spence is standing there, clothes slightly damp from the rainstorm that was going on outside. His hair is wet and messy on his head, his clothes looking wrinkled and rain soaked.

"Hey, um, come in," I say and let him walk past me and into the apartment. "You're soaked," I say to him and he nods. I shut the door and turn to him. "Everything okay?" I am so confused. Why is he here?

"Yeah," he says, looking me directly in the eyes. He looks as if he's debating something. All of a sudden Spencer cups my face and kisses me hard. At first I am shocked by the kiss, but then I begin kissing back, grasping his wet shirt and pulling him closer to me. His hands go up into my hair, deepening the kiss. After a minute he pulls away, breathing heavily and rests his forehead against mine with his eyes closed. "I've missed you so much," he whispers, unmoving.

"Me too," I whisper back and he captures my lips again.


	4. Chapter 4

**Please review! Also, warning, there is adult content in this chapter!**

_393 days ago..._

I felt like pulling my hair out! I haven't heard from Spencer in 3 days. 3 DAYS! I texted JJ and she assured me that he was fine. He knows how I feel about him not contacting me at all. It makes me worry so much. I mean, he's been kidnapped, beaten, and shot before when on a case. If he doesn't check in with me, I freak. He KNOWS THIS! I can't take this anymore. Seriously, something has got to change. I hate being so freaking anxious all the time. My phone buzzes and I look down at it. Not Spencer.

'We're flying back now'

Thanks JJ for the update since my _boyfriend_ won't give me one. I need to just to forget about him for the moment and finish my work. He and I can have another talk later.

* * *

I hear a timid knock on my door and I turn in my chair to see Spencer standing in the doorway looking exhausted. I turn back around to my desk, straightening up so I can leave for the day. I really don't feel like talking to him. My anger has only gotten worse over the past few hours.

"You're mad." He states to me.

"Well no shit Spencer." I say back with a sarcastic bite. I hear him sigh.

"I'm sorry," he pleads with me and sits in the chair across from my desk. He still has his go bag on his shoulder.

"Obviously not, because this wouldn't be a recurrent issue if you were!" I say with a hushed, raised voice. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. "I haven't heard from you in 3 days. No text, no call, no email, nothing. I had to text JJ to ensure you were still alive."

"We were so busy with the case. I barely slept." He gives me his excuses.

"It take 10 seconds to type that into a text message. Over three days, that's 30 seconds. If I'm not worth 30 seconds..." he cuts me off.

"You know that's not true," he says, sounding angry now. "I told you how busy my job keeps me and how it could affect our relationship."

"Well I thought that since you 'love me', or so you say, that you'd _want_ to make contact with me, however briefly on a daily basis." Our voices were slowly getting louder and louder.

"I have responsibilities! I was trying to keep people from dying!" There he goes, throwing the old 'I save lives' excuse out there.

"Doesn't negate your responsibilities to your girlfriend! If you didn't want to be responsible for talking to me on cases, you never should have dated me!" I yell, tears welling up in my eyes.

"Now I understand Hotch's frustration all those years," he mutters and rubs his face with his hands, exasperation on his face.

"Well let me save you the trouble. It's over. I want to get out of this. This relationship is killing me Spencer. I can't do it." I say and cover my face with my hands. I said it, I can't believe I actualy said it and broke up with him.

"Is that what you want?" He asks softly, obviously hurt beyond understanding.

"Yes, I don't want to hate you and I feel we're heading in that direction." I look at him.

"Me either." He says, gives me a small, weak, uncomfortable smile. His usual peace offering. Deep down I know he cares about me, but I thought that after 9 months of dating that he'd get better with the communication thing. He stands up and leaves my office, not looking back. I hold my composure until I reach my car and the tears let loose. What have I done?

* * *

_Present..._

Spencer picks me up, wrapping my legs around his waist and carries me into the bedroom before laying on top of me on my bed. My breathing picks up instantly, realizing where he wants to take this. I am completely shocked by his boldness. The old Spencer was always embarassed to express his sexual needs, but this Spencer is just taking. It's a nice and welcome change. I start unbuttoning his wet shirt before pushing it off his shoulders. Spencer's lips are frantic with hunger on mine, his tongue capturing mine furiously. I've never felt so much passion from him before. He beings pulling down my nightshorts and underwear in one swift motion. I reach for his zipper and I feel his erection against his slacks. He groans into our kiss at the realization that I am undoing his pants. I undo the button and zipper and starting pushing his pants down his legs. I feel his hand between my legs and he releases himself from his boxerbriefs through the hole and plunges into me hard.

I gasp out in pleasure. It was so unexpected at that moment. Spencer burries his face in my neck and begins a slow, animalistic rhythm. I wrap my legs around his waist, pushing him deeper. His grips my hip with one hand, steadying me, helping me meet him thrust for thrust. I grip his arm with one hand. Feels like he's been working out. I put my other hand against the headboard in an attempt to prevent him from thrusting us into my headboard. His lips make their way hastily up my neck and back to my mouth, where he kisses me hard. I bury my hands in his hair, kissing him passionately. He pulls away, breathing heavily and rests his forehead against mine. My entire body feels like it's on fire, building so quickly to it's release.

I feel Spencer tense, letting me know he's about to let loose. I open my eyes and see his pleasured expression, his mouth forming into an '_o'_ and I lose it, bringing him with me. After his last thrust, he collapses on my chest, breathing raggedly. We lay, tangled in each other's bodies for what seems like hours, but was probably a few minutes. Once our breathing returns to normal, Spencer pulls out of me and lays next to me on the bed. I am in shock. Sex with Spencer has NEVER been like that. He was always so timid about it, so gentle. This was raw sexual desire. What changed?

"Wow," I breath, breaking the silence in the room.

"Yeah, wow." He repeats back to me and sits up, running a hand through his still damp hair. He adjusts himself so he is back within his boxer briefs. He hands me my panties and nightshorts from the floor.

"Thanks," I say, confused by his actions. He is being so silent and methodical all of a sudden.

"Are you hungry?" He asks me, helping me off the bed once I have my bottoms back on. He pulls up his pants while he waits for my response.

"Um, yeah actually. You just wore me out," I say with a nervous laugh. Spencer laughs too as he puts his shirt back on.

"I'll order some chinese takeout. Orange chicken and steamed dumplings?" he asks me. He remembers my order. I guess I should have expected it. He has an amazing memory.

"Yes please." I say and turn to walk out of the room. Why is he just acting so nonchalant? 393 days after our breakup, he comes to my place, sexes me up and then talks about ordering chinese? No mention of what this means?

Once our food arrives, we sit on my couch in silence while we eat. I am still waiting for an explanation. I decide to break the silence.

"So..." I say, hoping it will spark something and it works.

"Sorry, I just um, lost control earlier. Seeing you has brought back so many strong emotions at once," he says, not looking up from his food at all.

"It's okay, I understand. That's how I've felt lately."

"I love you," he says, looking into my eyes, his eyes oozing with sincerity.

"I love you too," I say and lean over and kiss him softly. He puts his hand gently on the back of my neck, pulling me slightly closer and melts into the kiss. After a minute he pulls away and smiles brightly.

"This is the best day of my life," he says and stuffs another fork full of food into his mouth. I can't help but grin like a fool at his statement.

**Please review!**


	5. Chapter 5

_Roughly 693 days ago..._

I was really nervous. I had just graduated from college with a degree in communications. I had, by some miracle, gotten the HR position at the FBI. I had interned at another Federal agency, so I guess it may have helped.

I walked into the building and over to the information desk. There was a little, stern looking brunette sitting at the desk, her hair in a perfect bun. "May I help you?" She asked me, looking up with a fake smile.

"I'm Amanda Connelly. I'm the new human resources manager," I stated and she instantly shot up, looking a little more excited.

"Nice to meet you!" She shakes my hand. "I'm Laura. Right this way, Amy is expecting you," she says and leads me through the security check point. She flashes her badge and tells them something. I walk through the metal detector with no issues and we continue on. She leads me into an administrative looking area and to an office. She knocks and the person on the other side calls out to come in. Laura leads me into the office, where an older blonde woman is sitting at a desk.

"Amanda! Good morning! Thanks Laura," she says and Laura smiles and leaves.

"Good morning," I say and she motions for me to sit down in the open chair by her desk.

"Let's get all your paper work filled out and then I'll show you around." She pulls out a folder with a million sheets of paper. Looks like this could take awhile...

After about two hours, all paperwork is signed and my desk is mostly set up. Amy walks up to my desk.

"Hey, I want to give you the tour now and then you're free to go to lunch." I smile, nod and we make our way through the Bureau. She introduces me to a million people. Thank god most people are wearing their badges visibly, it'll help me with their names if I see them again. We go through a couple of basic departments before getting to the third floor.

"This is where everyone wants to work. The BAU. It's the Behavioral Analysis Unit. They are profilers, and the best at that. Unit chief Aaron Hotchner does his own hiring, so you would present him with possible qualified candidates and he hand picks who he wants." She continues explaining the contact I would have with a couple of supervisors as we bypass the glass doors to the bullpen and head down the hall and into a room filled with monitors and keyboards. A eclectic blonde stands up when we walk in.

"This is Penelope Garcia, the technical analyst for the BAU. She is also the best tech we have in the building. She is who will do the background checks for you if need be. Find anything that is sealed or doesn't add up? She will research it." Amy says to me. Penelope extends her hand out to me.

"I'm Amanda," I say and smile at her. She seems so fun and friendly.

"Nice to meet you! Have you had lunch yet?" She asks me.

"No she hasn't, we actually are done with the tour now, so you're free to go to lunch Amanda." Amy says and leaves as I thank her.

"Let me take you to lunch! I know how scary the first day here can be," she says and turns around to lock her computer. "Do you like sushi?"

"I love sushi," I say smiling. I have a feeling that I am about to have a new best friend. It makes me feel so much better about the move from Kansas. I don't know anybody here.

"Great! Let's go. I wanna ask the team if anyone wants to join us. They are not on a case today by some miracle. And that way you can meet some more people. What's Kansas like?" She asks me as we leave her office. I laugh because she must have done my background check.

"Boring," I say and we walk down the hall and through the glass doors. I follow Penelope as she makes her way for a tall, dark, and handsome man.

"Hey sugar, the new HR girl and I are getting sushi. Wanna join?" She asks him. Is this her boyfriend?

"Sure thing baby girl. Introduce me," he says smiling at me.

"This is Amanda," she says and they walk closer to me.

"Hi, I'm Derek Morgan," he says, shaking my hand.

"Nice to meet you," I say back, smiling.

"Hey Reid! Let's get some lunch!" Derek calls over my should and I turn around to see who he's talking to. A tall, lean, dark haired man turns around, cup of coffee in hand. For some reason, my eyes start taking in his appearance. He's wearing chucks, slack, a white button up shirt with a patterned vest and a matching tie. My eyes slowing move over the features of his face. His lips are full and pink, his face slender, hair in a brown mess and his eyes are piercing right through mine suddenly.

"Well are you coming?" Derek asks this Reid again.

"Oh um, sure. Where?" He asks.

"Sushi," Penelope states matter of factly.

"I'll get my coat," he says and pulls his eyes from mine and walks past us to the desk across the aisle from Derek's. Penelope links her arm through mine and leads the way to the elevators.

The sushi place is quiet and fun. We are sitting on the floor at one of those authentic Japanese tables, stuffing our faces with sushi. Reid, or Spencer apparently, has been extremely quiet this whole time. He only interjects with facts or trivia bits every now and then. He is also careful to avoid my gaze. I feel saddened by that fact. I want him to look at me and talk to me. He just seems so mysterious.

"Then this stripper propositions pretty boy over here," Derek laughs out. "I never realized Reid's face could get so red."

Spencer just shrugs and takes another bite of his fried rice.

"I swear, every time we talk to prostitutes, strippers, or bartenders, they all hit on him." Derek says in response to Spencer's shrug.

"Well he's just so pretty," Penelope says, pinching his cheek and he playfully pushes her hand away.

"Shut up Garcia," he says with a laugh, his face slowing flushing pink.

"And I thought everything about working for the FBI would be serious," I say laughing.

"Wait till you meet Hotch," Reid says without looking at me. The others laugh. Good to know the unit chief I'll be working with is uptight.

I end up having lunch with Garcia every day for the next two weeks, even when the team is on a case. Occasionally other members of the team join us, but casework tends to get in the way. On this particular day, the team is taking care of mounds of paperwork from the most recent case. It was apparently really bad, so Garcia asks me to come in with her to bring the team food and drinks. It's a Saturday afternoon, so I don't blame her for wanting to cheer them up.

We walk into the BAU with some bags of food and a couple drink trays.

"We come baring gifts!" She says excitedly and the team looks up with happy expressions.

"I am starving!" JJ says. I met JJ a few days after I started. She's awesome! She and Garcia are making things so much easier for me. JJ recently had a kid, so she tends to work from the BAU offices. She only goes on really important cases. I hand her a sandwich and she nods her head in the direction of Spencer. She keeps telling me that he's interested in me, but I don't see it. I mean, he barely talks to me, barely looks me in the eyes, and seems unnerved by my presence. I roll my eyes at her and walk to his desk.

"Hey Spencer," I say softly and he looks up and actually smiles.

"Hi Amanda," he says. I pull out a chinese to go box and set it on his desk.

"Enjoy," I say and he opens it. It' his favorite.

"Thanks, this is great," he smiles again and turns back to his food. He's always so polite, but doesn't really go beyond formalities. I still think JJ is crazy. I turn and start handing out food to the others and soon all of us are eating. Everyone is laughing and joking around, enjoying their little lunch break. I go to get some water from the break room area and I see Spencer and JJ talking. It seems like she's trying to push a point and he looks frustrated. He glances over at me and sees me watching. I give a small, shy smile, embarassed that I've been caught. He just lets out a sigh and turns back JJ. Well that went well. I turn back to the sink and refill my glass and when I turn I almost smack right into Spencer.

"Oh crap," I gasp and put my hand on my chest. "You're scared me," I say with a light laugh.

"Sorry," he says nervously. I wait for him to move to the side to let me walk by, but he just stands there. He has a contemplating look on his face.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, um." He turns and glances back at JJ, who nods and he turns back. "Do you want to eat? Dinner? Um tonight, with me?" He stammers out and begins to flush red. I can't help the giant smile that creeps up on my face.

"Yes, Spencer, that's sounds fun," I say, still smiling.

"Really?" He seems both relieved and shocked.

"Yeah," I say with a confused look. He hands me his business card.

"My um, cell is on there. Text me your address and I'll pick you up at um, 7?" He says, turning his statement into a question on the last word.

"Can't wait," I smile.

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	6. Chapter 6

**Warning, adult content!**

"Mine too," I say in response to Spencer. He felt that today was the best day of his life. I can't believe it. I have no idea what came over him when he got here. I am still shocked by his boldness. "So, I'm rather surprised by your boldness tonight." I take another bite of my low mein.

"Oh, that, yeah," he says with a smile, his cheeks flushing. Even after all that we've done together and how well we know each other, Spencer still blushes.

"You never used to take control like that," I state, waiting for an explanation.

"Sorry," he says and takes another bite.

"I'm not complaining Spence, it was a major turn on," I say and he looks up at me with a smile.

"Really?"

"Yes. You need to do that more often," I say and grab my soda.

"I think I will." He says, continuing to eat and my mind begins to wander back to how intimacy used to be initiated.

_Roughly 500 days ago..._

Spencer and I were sitting on the couch in the midst of a heavy makeout session. I knew what would happen. He would never make an attempt to further the situation, ignoring the blatantly obvious erection that was contained by his pants. I always had to initiate taking things further. He was always embarassed to take the next step, like it was something to be ashamed about. It was sometimes hard not to feel like it was because of me. I had talked to JJ about our intimacy issues, without telling Spence of course, and she told me not to worry. It was just how he was. His asperger's made any social situation more difficult. I needed to just become accustomed to being the one always initiating intimacy.

I definitely wanted to take this to the bedroom, so I needed to make my move and let Spencer know. I began leaning back on the couch, pulling Spencer gently by his shirt. I noticed a near instant change in his breathing. Message received is what it told me. I spread my legs so his hips could rest against mine, and he rested his weight on my hips. I could feel his erection against me, so I rubbed myself against it gently. He let out a soft moan into our kiss. It always made me feel better knowing that even though I was initiating this, he was enjoying it.

I began unbuttoning his jeans and his kissed me a little harder. I pushed his pants down and he wiggled them down his legs. I then began on his shirt, unbuttoning the first two button before pulling it over his head. I didn't have the patience to undo all of those buttons. Here he was, completely naked while I was still fully clothed.

"Undress me," I stated and he complied. Once I was rid of my clothes, I reached into my purse that was on the coffee table and pulled out a condom, handing it to him. I watched as he clumsily fumbled with the package until it finally opened. He slipped it on and positioned himself between my legs. His eyes met mine, asking for approval and when I nodded, he gently pushed himself into me with a low, soft moan. I arched my back up into him. God it felt so good for him to be inside me. He began his usual, slow and deep rhythm, elliciting little gasps from me with every thrust. He always felt much bigger than I remembered, so the sensations always surprised me.

Spencer crashed his lips onto mine again, his kisses showing the intensity of his need for me. He gripped my hips with his hands and I could feel that he was close. I was close too and I knew that once he let go, so would I. He burried his head in my neck and let go, taking me with him. He collasped onto me on the couch, his head resting on my chest.

"I love you," he whispered. I smiled. It was the one thing he would always do first without hesitation.

"I love you too," I said back, running my fingers through his hair.

_Present_

Spencer and I finished our chinese and he cleared out trash. I waited on the couch, not really sure what was going to happen next. Was he staying the night or going home? Were we officially back together or what? Spence walked up to me and held out his hand.

"Come on, let's go to bed," he said. I guess it was about 2 in the morning. I smiled and took his hand and followed him into the bedroom. We undressed and climbed into bed. He wrapped his arms around me tightly and I nuzzled into his chest. It felt so good to be back in his arms. After a few minutes I fell asleep and so did he.

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	7. Chapter 7

_About 600 days ago..._

He still hasn't kissed me. STILL! We just got back from our like, 10th date and he hasn't kissed me. Just a friendly hug goodnight. Was there something wrong with me that made me unkissable? We've been seeing each other over the past 3 months or so and nothing. We have only held hands once or twice. I even made sure I made my readiness known to him. I rested my head on his shoulder at the movies, letting him know I was ready for more physical contact with him.

I changed into my pajamas and sat down on the couch with a soda and some pretzels. I flipped through the channels until I came across an crime show about FBI cases. I think its called Criminal Pursuit or something. It made me think of Spencer, my favorite FBI agent, the genius. Should I just grab him and kiss him or something? I just hate being the one to initiate the first kiss with someone. Makes me so incredibly nervous. I've been rejected for a kiss by someone I really liked before, so I never want to feel that way again. Especially if Spencer is involved. I already know I am falling too hard and fast for him and he has barely even touched me. I took a sip of my soda and pulled out my cell phone. I want to talk to him so badly right now. I think I'll text him.

'thinking about you' I typed and hit send. I figured I'd go the honest route. But what if he never replies? Or what if he rejects me and 'says go to sleep' or something? My phone beeped. Here we go, moment of truth.

'I never stop thinking about you' I read it about 10 times, having the hardest time believing my eyes. REALLY! He never stops thinking about me? _Me_? Then why won't he kiss me damnit? And why did he drop me off at 10:30pm on a Friday night when we were on a date?

'really?' I sent back to him. His actions and words are conflicting and causing me confusion now.

'yes. why?' was his reply. Should I air out my grievances and reasons for being skeptical? Well, it's now or never. Better that I found out he doesn't like me like that before I get too attached. Although, I'm pretty sure that's already happened.

'are those thoughts romantic or platonic in nature?' I sent and waited for what seemed like eternity.

'romantic of course. why would they be platonic?' He was confused? REALLY? I just don't get him sometimes. Might as well lay it out for him.

'we've been seeing each other for 3 months and you haven't attempted to kiss me or hold my hand' There was no response for nearly 20 minutes. I thought I was going to lose my mind when the phone beeped.

'are you dressed?' What?

'yes'

'I'll be there in 20 minutes' um... what? I hopped up and ran into my bedroom to put my clothes back on. I slid my tight skinny jeans back on and opted to wear a cute v-neck t-shirt instead of the dressy top I was wearing earlier. Why was he coming over?

At almost 20 minutes on the dot there was a light knock on my door. I checked through the peephole to make sure it was Spence before I opened the door.

"Hey," I said when I opened it.

"Hey," he smiled shyly. His hands were burried in his pockets and he hadn't changed since our date. His hair was slightly messier though and it made him look incredibly sexy.

"Come in," I said and stepped aside as he walked in. I shut the door and turned around and he was standing there right in front of me. I took a deep breath and looked up into his eyes to see what he was thinking.

"I've been dying to kiss you," he said softly, his cheeks flushing. "I just... I fear rejection from you. And the expectation of a goodnight kiss gives me anxiety. What if I suck at it or I do something stupid, like step on your foot or something. Social situations are really hard for me when they are new." He explained his actions to me and it made sense. I knew about his Asperger's diagnosis and I'd done research on it. I for some reason always forget to factor in the social complications as an adult. I didn't know what to say. Part of me was so excited because he said he was dying to kiss me, but the rest of his response made it seem like it wouldn't happen for awhile. I just nodded at his statement. Spencer closed his eyes and took a deep breath before opening them. I saw a change in his eyes, the color somehow got darker and he stepped closer to me, his index finger gently tilting my chin up. He leaned in so close that our noses were touching, our lips almost brushing together. He took a deep breath and gently pressed his lips to mine. It took all my strength not to tackle him. His kiss was so incredibly tender and soft and he pulled away after a few seconds. His eyes flicked open and looked into mine, gauging my response. I leaned up and gently rubbed my nose against his and he captured my lips again. His hands wove into my hair and I gripped his shirt with both hands, pulling him closer to me.

_Present_

I woke up feeling the absense of heat in my bed. I rolled over and saw that Spencer was gone. My heart instantly sank. Why did he leave without saying goodbye? Did he decide it was a mistake coming here last night? I got up and put my pajamas back on when I noticed his jacket was still on my armchair. He must have left it. A tear rolled down my cheek and as I went to wipe it Spence walked back into the bedrom with a glass of water.

"You okay?" He asked, noticing that I wiped a tear away.

"I thought you had left," I said, my anguish disappearing.

"I don't plan on leaving," he said and pulled me into a hug. There was something different about him. I noticed it last night. His take charge attitude was different. I always had to initiate everything, but here he was, making the first move and openly admitting his feelings and intentions to me.

We spent the afternoon making love and catching each other up on the details of our lives this past year. Spencer hadn't dated anyone and even had taken some personal time off to get over our breakup, something I never knew about. Spencer had never taken personal time off before, so I felt guilty. He of course wouldn't let me, claiming that it was necessary for him to understand what he did wrong and how much I truly meant to him.

It was close to 6pm when his phone rang.

"No," he complained and answered it. "Hi JJ," he said glumly, knowing what was going to happen. I knew too. Even though the team had been promised time off, something had come up, as always. "Yeah, okay. Give me about an hour," he said and hung up. He looked at me for my reaction.

"Go, it's okay. I know how this works," I said, trying to reassure him that I was okay with it.

"I feel bad. I mean, we just got back together and I already have to leave," he complained and rested his forehead against mine.

"Don't, it's your job and someone needs you to save their life," I said and kissed him. "Just text me when you have time so I know you're safe." Spencer nodded and got up, putting his clothes back on. I did the same and walked him to the door.

"I love you Mandy," he said and gave me a short, passionate kiss.

"Love you too Spence," I said. He hugged me and left to save the world.

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